Ethiopian Adoptive Family Community
Sign up

  Author   Comment  

Posts: 148
Reply with quote  #1 
I thought about posting this for a long time. I'm one of the people struggling to hang on 3 years after bringing my son home. He was 13 months when he came home and spent nearly 8 months in the care center. Before you bring your beloved child home, you go through parenting classes, do homework from your social worker, and go the extra mile of reading attachment books, studying up on therapy and bonding exercises, and spending time reading blogs and networking. What I never heard was the stories about kids who just can't be fixed. Kids who despite your unconditional love, time, energy, and money (therapy and traveling to see specialists) don't get better. And sometimes they seem to get worse. I don't know if the ache for a child would have allowed the rational side of my brain to function and really consider "the what if" scenario. If I knew what the struggle would be like and the lack of improvement after years of therapy and services, I can honestly say I don't know that I'd put myself and my family through this. Don't let your social worker downplay the worst case scenario. Talk about this with a therapist before your child gets home. I rationalized that my son was too young to feel the scars of trauma, but that's not true. I thought I could deal with issues. I just never thought about how many issues or how hurtful some of them would be for me, not just my son. You don't hear too much from those of us in deep struggles. We avoid sites like these after awhile and disconnect from Facebook and social media frequently to avoid being judged and feeling inadequate because our child struggles with permanent psychological issues. There are dozens of posts about giardia and ringworm, but you don't get many responses when you talk about being afraid your child will hurt you or how to deal with your own PTSD from parenting a child who is cruel in words and actions. We drown in relative obscurity. I'm peeking out from the shadows to ensure you go into this process with your eyes truly wide open to what may happen on the other side. I hope it better prepares you in the event your journey is not smooth. Kids are worth saving. Adoption is a wonderful thing. I'm not discouraging you from opening your hearts and homes. I'm just advising you to be prepared for the possibilities.

If you are going through a similar struggle and want to talk, please private message me. I'd like to avoid replies of pity and maintain the privacy of those who wish to keep their anonymity.

Avatar / Picture

Posts: 232
Reply with quote  #2 
I PM'd you.
Michelle & Michael
Officially waiting 5-14-08
Referral 7-16-09 for gorgeous 4mo baby boy!!
court date: 10/22/09 Passed!
Thrilled to be home with Max: 12/11/09
Began Congo Adoption process: 10/22/10
Congo referral: 5/12/11 beautiful 7 week old baby girl
Picked up Mackenzie Kabibi in Cincinnati:2/26/12

Posts: 688
Reply with quote  #3 
Thank you for sharing some of your experiences and concerns here.  There are so many unknowns for our children and families. I imagine you aren't alone with your struggles and I hope you are able to find support here as well.

Home since Aug. 24, 2008 with Mihret

Avatar / Picture

Posts: 1,061
Reply with quote  #4 
Love you. You are brave babe.
Shannon & Teg

Started wait 12/31/08
Referral 8/12/09 for 28 mo Boy
Passed Court 10/21/09
Embassy 1/20/10

Avatar / Picture

Posts: 53
Reply with quote  #5 
You are not alone. 
Most don't want to talk about it but I honestly felt like I was lied to when everyone implied that infants who have been in a good care center won't have any major issues. 
If I am totally honest, I think I would have ignored the honest remarks because I was dead-set on international adoption.
I have felt like a jerk to ever think these thoughts, let alone type them.  
You are not alone. 

DH - Todd
DS - B - DOB 4-2005
DD - G - DOB 10-2007
Forever Family 4-2008

Posts: 11
Reply with quote  #6 
I have several resources for this very topic.   I have attended this retreat for 3 years running and am a host mom for 2014.  I would love to meet any of you who can come!  Even if you can't make it to the retreat, please join our Facebook support group and check out the resources on the website.

I just finished taking a class in St. Louis this past weekend on Rhythmic Movement.  I am a firm believer in this for anyone. 

3 of our children will hopefully be doing BIT this summer, as well.  I've heard good things about it.

Two of our 4 children have significant behavioral special needs.  I understand the emotions that go with this.  Please feel free to PM me or email

Angela :-)

Angela, married to Dennis
DS: T, 14, A, 10 & X, 9
DD: R, 7

A&R home from ET: March 2007

Posts: 9
Reply with quote  #7 
Thank you for your post.  Sounds like you have tried so much, but I just wanted to throw an idea out there.  Have you heard of Heather Forbes or read her book Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control?  She adopted two children from Russia and offers a lot of support.  It was really helpful for us. 

Previous Topic | Next Topic

Create your own forum with Website Toolbox!