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DaniWestRN

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Reply with quote  #16 
Adifferentme, I am so sorry you and your child are having to deal with this. I truly am. I'm not sure there is anything harder as an AP then what you are facing. Sadly, you are far from alone. I hope a few of the other families in similar situations will reach out to you.
I can say that at least one of those families has notified the agency that they will not submit a PPR until a full and accurate account of the child's history is provided to them... so far the agency has refused. Obviously, you can't do that since you have reason to fear for the Ethiopian family.


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Danielle
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Millie

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Reply with quote  #17 
"I can't figure out how I could ever look her/him in the eye and say, in essense, "And I completed all these reports just like I was supposed to..." knowing that those reports are intended to build a case for the continuation of adoption from  Ethiopia; which I now know includes the adoption of children who do not need families."

I can really relate to this. We have sent bare bones reports to our agency for years, and since seeing the address a while back, will use that for our next PPR. It will continue to be bare bones. Mine are essentially the same every year - date of adoption, address, etc; a short paragraph about health noting the date of the last dr visit; a paragraph about school and other activities; a bit about family (she gets along well with her sister, etc). I change little - I just make a copy and change the date, grade in school, stuff like that.

I don't feel obligated whatsoever to share with anyone what contact we have with our kids' family. As long as the PPR has the basics - mention of health, mention of education, that sort of thing - it's fine as far as I'm concerned. I don't even mention that we have traveled with the kids to Ethiopia.

I do continue to do them because I don't want to have any trouble when traveling there (not that I expect any, but just in case). I carry copies of all our PPRs and adoption papers when we visit.

Millie
nelvoe

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Reply with quote  #18 
Have you been in contact with anyone from your agency about the errors in your child's story? I ask because if they know the history is in question, I think you can send them a note of explanation stating something along the lines of: 

In light of recent events, I do not believe our PPR can or should be used to establish credibility nor the continuation of adoptions from Ethiopia. 

This may cause a red flag to go up. However, I doubt you will be the first family who tells them the PPRs won't be coming. 

If you don't want to rock the boat, you can prepare a bare-bones report. If you don't feel like you want to pretend, send nothing. I don't think we have a legal obligation to send them. I think the agencies would try to argue that we have a moral obligation to show that/if the kids are thriving or where they are having struggles. Then again, I don't think the "moral obligation" is an argument that can hold much water right now.

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thechildsstory

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Reply with quote  #19 
Every single thing you have written could have come straight from our family.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this. I am heart broken for your child.  (I will send you a PM)
We stopped sending PPR's for several reasons. Our agency perpetrated great fraud in our case. They created an orphan by tearing apart the life of a child.
We did approach the agency about the fraud in our case and they called us liars. Sadly I know many other families had approached them about similar fraud and I can only assume they received the same treatment. They also told us we had no right to have contacted the embassy regarding the fraud in our case.  At that point it was clear to us that this agency did not deserve to have even the most bare bones of information about our family ever again. 
We may have signed something stating we would comply with PPR's but I know for certain we never signed something saying they were allowed to perpetrate fraud to find us a child to adopt. Therefore we have both breached our contracts with one another. 
We have received several e-mails from the agency. The last one was slightly more threatening then the others but I believe that was due to the fact that they had just had a visit in the US with ET government officials and they were worried about their credibility with the ET government. 
I wanted you to know that you are not alone. We are at peace about our decision to stop the PPR's even though we are, by nature, rule followers.  I just cannot bear the thought of another child suffering the way ours has. I will take no part in it. We let them know why the reports are not being sent. So it may be a small gesture but it does have meaning if you want it to. 
Wishing you all the best. 
ShannonC

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Reply with quote  #20 
Just my 2 cents:

I have strong suspicions that weather 1,000 families not submitting PPR's has little to no influence on the continuation of adoptions overall. I think it is used as a peer pressure scare tactic, in order to make sure each agency is able to avoid question. Meaning- if 2 of the big agencies no longer have PPR's being submitted- if there is any follow through it will be from MOWA to agency--- not as a whole,

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meghanmw

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Reply with quote  #21 

In our family, we have made a deliberate decision to submit our PPR (without the bells and whistles). While we have a critical perspective of adoption in Ethiopia, we have decided to "keep up our end of the agreement" - in spite of any lapses in the agreements others made with us.

 

Thank you Dani, for the address. It is another way for us to maintain our piece using direct submission.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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Meghan
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little boy: Ezekiel Lirenso 5/27/08
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amjohnson

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Reply with quote  #22 
Does the Ethiopian court require/request PPRs? Is that in the court order or on some other document? 

As for legal/moral responsibility to the agency, I can speak to that a bit. We used a different agency with our daughter's adoption, over a year ago they claimed they were in trouble with MOWA (or whatever it is called now) for having so many delinquent PPRs. They sent out emails begging families to get up to date or else MOWA was threatening to stop writing approval letters for the families currently in process. I don't have any reason to believe that isn't true. 

This is the same agency that recently had a very high profile case where a child was died and the parents have been charged with abuse, neglect and murder. In light of that, the agency has put forth new protocols one of which allows them to show up unannounced with assistance from the police department to "check on" families with missing PPR's. Now, there was not a lot of detail about how that actually looked, how often it would be used, what sorts of steps to connect with the family would have happened prior to that, etc. I also believe this is something they are only doing in the state where the agency resides. 

On a personal note,  I like the idea of sending the PPR's directly to the gov't for our son's case. I just have no respect, trust or feelings of obligation to the agency we used in his adoption, but feel very obligated to fulfill any requests of Ethiopia.  

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myla

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Reply with quote  #23 
Adifferentme,
From what I'm "hearing",  
Quote:

Refusing to submit our PPR is a small and silent and meaningless stand to take

This is anything but small, silent, or meaningless to YOU.  Thechildstory mentioned being at peace with their decision and it sounds like you are working your way through that process.  I think you are going to get a lot of variation as to how each of us deals with the issue of PPRs or probably the even bigger topic of our relationship to the agency that facilitated our child's adoption. 
To me personally, the PPR is less about the agency (in my mind) than about my child.  I think the PPR probably serves multiple purposes and not all exclusively related to the benefit of the agency. I want our family to be a part of that record.  I want my daughter to hear our "voices" in those reports should she ever seek them out.  We choose what we say and in how much detail.  
Your story is heartbreaking and my heart goes out to your entire family.  I truly hope you make the decision that feels right to YOU.
Myla 


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Millie

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Reply with quote  #24 

I also wanted to mention another reason to do the PPRs - if you ever want or need to contact MOWA for your child's records or for any other reason, they may ask for them. We went there for something and the first thing they asked was if we had done our PPRs. They didn't check and I doubt they would have been able to find them. But I do think it could make things smoother to have done them should one need MOWA for some reason (for example searching on behalf of second or third child, not the one whose info you know was wrong).

morgen

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Reply with quote  #25 

To me, the PPRs aren't really about the agency, even if they may benefit the agency indirectly.  I committed to submitting the reports with idea that it was part and parcel of being eligible to adopt from ET because it was a requirement of the ET gov't.  Now there may be a bit of semantics here in that I don't believe that I have any direct agreement with the ET gov't saying that I will do so.  But I believe the statement that I signed was probably part of the dossier submitted to ET and therefore would be considered a factor in the decision to allow me to adopt.  I feel there is an expectation on the part of the authorities in ET that reports will be provided by me regarding the child they have given me the honor of parenting.  I started the process understanding that expectation so I feel that it's my responsibility to fulfill it.    

 

However, since I feel that my responsibility is to the ET gov't, I don't think there's any reason that I have to send the reports via my agency.  I could send them directly to Ethiopia.  I will send them to the agency because for me it’s just simpler. 

 

That being said, it's certainly not something I spend a lot of time on.  I copy a report from one year to another, change whatever is relevant and that's it. Although a year in the life of my son is huge, for the purposes of the questions in the report, not that much happens in 12 months.  He grows, he has this or that health issue, he started school, etc.  Pretty plain and to the point.  The one thing that I will say is that now that I know his mom won’t see the report, I am adding some stuff about anniversary reactions.  I hesitated to mention that before in terms of his adjustment, because at a certain point I felt that she MIGHT see them and I didn’t want to burden her with the more challenging stuff.  But now I feel that it’s fair game to present less of the flowery stuff and more reality.  Hopefully more of the "reality" will be useful to those in ET.   

Side comment, but it was not at all my understanding when I signed an agreement stating that I would submit the PPRs that they were partly meant for the birth family.  The idea came later that the birth family might have access to them.  Even though I was sceptical about the reality of that idea, all the subsequent status changes regarding that issue are for me a whole 'nother story.  While I am NOT happy with the recent changes, I don’t feel that my agency mislead me at the time that I signed the agreement as to the purpose of the PPRs.   


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Morgen
Home study started 8/31/07
Officially waiting 12/12/07
Referral 12/2/08 for amazingly beautiful baby boy
Court Date 2/20/09
Travel 3/26/09
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OnWisconsin

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Reply with quote  #26 
Definitely a difficult situation since it feels like you are caught between a story that was fabricated by the birth family to give their child a better life, and an agency that was likely clueless (or open to accepting) the information.  Under Ethiopian law I believe we are obligated to write the letters until the age of 18.  Personally I would send the letters to the address that Dani mentions.  In all likelihood nothing will be done with them by the government.  I personally would not want to purposely create an aura of suspicion around my child's birth family (whether purposely or accidentally, you never really know whether the agency will monitor them further or the ET Government themselves).  
Julia

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Reply with quote  #27 
Adifferentme,

I'm wondering if there is, perhaps, a middle way, where you tell some of your truth--not enough to cause trouble but enough so that what you submit on the PPR is not in anyway a happy skippy perspective on adoption.

For example, perhaps you could write about some of your son's pain without revealing particulars. I'm totally making this up, but something like "adjusting to a new family has been an enormous struggle. For X months, he cried X times a day and had difficulty eating and sleeping. It is clear that he feels intense grief for his first family...Sometimes, as parents, although we love him dearly, we wonder if his adoption caused him more pain than good."

FWIW, I have kept sending the reports, but I keep them very bare bones and no longer send the redacted version that my agency requires (b/c the whole fiction was that the redacted version was for the birthfamily). I also no longer send artwork or hard copy photos. I submit the required 4 photos to my agency via email and let them deal with it.

Julia

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adifferentme

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Reply with quote  #28 
Home from work, overwhelmed to see all the responses here.  Each a helpful piece of my puzzle.

Millie, you hit on a thought that had been nagging me:  If we do not complete the PPR, what might be the consequences for our family when we travel back to Ethiopia or for our child, should they choose to travel back as an adult.  It had not occurred to me, also, that we (or our child) may need some sort of ET government / MOWA assistance at some point in the future.  Not sure for what it would be, but since many siblings and extended family remain in Ethiopia, it would be prudent not to burn any bridges.  Very compelling reasons for fulfilling our PPR agreement.

For all the other posters, thank you for painting a picture of how I could complete the reports without sending a glowing postcard.  Bare bones, with some information about the realities of our child's adjustment and grief.  I'll be using many of the ideas you all shared here to complete the reports in a way I can very much live with.

You've helped me process the issue of the PPR and much more.  Thank you.
MLadopts

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Reply with quote  #29 
I really want to read more of this thread, as it is very thought-provoking.

I can tell you my superficial reason for theoretically submitting my PPR--I haven't gotten around to it yet--has been coming from my perspective as a single mom.   And part of me wants to say to the ET government, "see?  You all get all up in arms about whether we'd be good parents.  Well, check it out, I'll give you some glimpses of this girl's life, and you tell ME whether I'm "fit" in your eyes to raise this kid.  I dare say it shows I am."

I don't gloss over her difficulties -- but it also never occurred to me to make any reference to the facts of her adoption, how I tell the story to her, and all of that stuff -- it's more just about her health, school, etc.   

And there is a part of me that -- while highly critical of most adoption agencies, and many of the players in the adoption industry -- thinks that there are plenty of people in MOWA and the ET govt who are not making big bucks off of this, and who may feel kind of sad and wistful that their kids are leaving the country.  Given the horror stories of APs here---the Train Up crowd who beat their kids to death, etc. -- part of me wants to give the good-hearted people a sigh of relief that we aren't turning our kids into servants over here.   I COMPLETELY GET (and I say this seriously) not being in a place to have even a glimmer of that in your heart.  I really do.  I'm just saying that it's still a piece of it for me.

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Cinds

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Reply with quote  #30 
I was once threatened w legal action from the agency when our ppr was late. FYI.
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